A close friend of mine asked me this one simple question that I thought I had the answer to it. Well, guess what? I don’t. “So then, what do you wanna do with your life?” was the question that hit me hard. How the hell should I know? I swear to god, it got me thinking and I freaked out (kinda) when I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I’m 22, I suppose I’ll have the answer when I’m at least 30.
People say to always follow your passions, do what you love doing or makes you happy. In most cases, passions don’t pay the bills. You can’t get the best of both worlds. Setting up your priorities is always the hardest to do. Do you want to be having money or do you want to be happy? Or do you want both? Honest to god, I just want to be happy. But then again, what makes me happy?
I have no fucking clue.
It’s so frustrating knowing you have zero motivation to turn your life around. It’s not that I don’t want to, trust me, there’s nothing more I want to do than making it my utmost priority. But it’s hard to pull off when you’re stuck doing things that you hate. I’m in my final year of law school and am trying really hard to get it done and over with, but it’s never easy because it’s not something I love doing and fact is, I’ve been doing it for 3 years. I don’t know where this life would lead me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy. I should be grateful, I know. But also, I wish someone would understand.
I’m not one to express my insecurities to anyone, not even to my close friends. It’s not something I particularly like to talk about. I’m more fond of the idea of keeping all of my biggest insecurities to myself rather than admitting them out loud. However, I’m gonna make an exception to the rule just for this post. Here goes nothing.
1. I hate how my brain works. Sometimes. When I’m alone. I have no control over it. I try to overcome it by keeping myself busy. Easier said than done. Still trying though.
2. My skin. My face. They say that you don’t need all those products to cover up your face because you’re beautiful just the way you are, well, that’s bullshit. When you wear too much makeup, people talk. When you don’t, they talk. They judge. It sucks, right?
3. My self-esteem is nowhere to be seen. I don’t think it can ever be fixed.
4. My temper. I fucking hate myself for this. I seriously do. If there’s one thing I’d like to change about myself is how I handle my temper. I don’t know how my family, my friends put up with me. They deserve a fucking medal for that.
I’m trying all my best to love myself. I’m still far behind. All that “SELF-LOVE IS IMPORTANT” is not easy as it looks. But hey, at least I’m trying. Really hard.
It was fine a second ago.
Why was I in a room with these people?
As if I wanted to be here.
I never asked for this.
I was forced to listen, to understand.
Couldn’t you hear the screaming of my subconscious?
Couldn’t you understand the pain I was suffering?
I was not designed to work this way.
These feigned masks I put on everyday, they served as a mean for me to be somebody else.
Did I care? No.
Did I try to change? Sometimes.
Is it possible for a human being to possess no feelings whatsoever? Because up to this point I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel anymore. I’m neither happy nor sad. I feel literally nothing. I’m numb. If it were written that I’d die tomorrow, I’d be game. Death, bring it on. I’m just this soulless living thing on a tiny piece of a floating planet just trying to survive. I’m basically nothing. We are nothing. You hear me?
Some people change because they want to. Some people change because they feel the need to impress others. Some people change because they wanna feel accepted or fit in. Some change because it’s their fucking lives. They do whatever the fuck they wanna do. And change is good. Life is too short for you to be subjected to certain things. Limiting yourself to one thing is never healthy. With that being said, I’m in the process of fixing myself. From what you might ask, from all the negativity that surround myself and all the bad thoughts that my mind can’t seem to get rid of. Hence, the changes I’m facing. I know that from all my previous posts I sounded like I needed help. I did (I still do), but not to the extent that I couldn’t handle it by myself. I turn to this site whenever I have my episodes. But for now, I’m perfectly fine.
Talking about changes, some of us love to assume and very judgmental toward one another. Sometimes it’s funny how you never truly know a person but you assume he or she is like this or like that. The way they dressed up, the way they talk, the way they act in public don’t define themselves unless you get to know them first. Happened to me once. I judged people just because they didn’t fit my fucking description- as if that’s important. I hated myself for that. I’m saying all this because if I don’t, I’m a fucking hypocrite. So there it is.
Thus, when you see a change in a person, whether the change he/she is facing is good or bad- however you perceive it- the very person has his/her own reasons. Okay? Good day to all.
I’m not one to pour out my feelings or how I feel to someone, whenever I’m having one of those days when I just hate myself, everything, everyone and I wish I could just disappear and never come back. But sometimes it feels just right to have someone to listen to all your problems and just tell them how shitty your life is at the moment and not having them secretly judging you. But fuck, you can’t have everything you want can you?
I’m seriously fucking tired of having to entertain these sickening thoughts that my brain produces. Fuck, I don’t need this. At all. It’s frustrating and it mentally drains you.
I’ve been on my own since, forever. I don’t need anyone telling me this and that because, honestly, I can take care of my own self. But that’s the thing, when you appear to be strong, like there’s nothing wrong with your life, people seem to believe you. Because that’s what you decide to show them. You feed them with all these false pretenses. I don’t usually share my problems to people because I feel like I’m just wasting their time. Now, add that to my long list of problems that I have yet dealt with. But like I said, when you don’t talk, and you keep everything inside, that’s when they start eating you out. You know, sometimes, all it takes is to ask someone “Are you okay?”.
Am I okay? Definitely not. Probably never will. But you just gotta live, right?