Perspective

I see a man, I see a woman.

I see this beautiful world filled with beautiful souls.

Is this real? Am I real?

Will it be different without my existence?

I see this world changing, bit my bit.

Who’s at fault, nobody knows.

They talk but never try.

Afraid to admit, it’s the truth.

I see everything now.

The good, the bad even.

It’s petrifying.

To live,

and to die in this place.

I see it now.

I realise it now.

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Self-loathing

“You always look down on yourself.”

If you think for a second that I look down upon myself, you’re wrong, because I don’t. And this is not me living in denial.

“Then why do you always wallow in self-pity?”

Some of us are miserable. It’s either they decide to show it or they don’t. I do say “I hate myself” more than I should but that doesn’t mean that it’s true. Then why do it? Because you’re allowed to express yourself in whatever way you want. Not everyone is living a perfect life, let’s get that clear.

If you see me self-loathing and *assume* that I always look down upon myself, that’s just the way I deal with everything that goes wrong in my life. Exaggeration is almost therapeutic sometimes.

Deep down I know I’m smart. I know I’m a good person. I know that I’m worth it. I know it. I just don’t like to constantly prove to everyone that I’m all of those things that I said because,

only you know yourself and not anyone else. 

Acceptance

To change is to accept.
To accept is to endure.
To endure is to adapt.

Acceptance is what I seek, and it does not come easy. It could take months, years even. But, I will carry it through. 

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You come and go as you please, where do I stand

Stuck in between, where do I go

“Don’t dwell on it too much”, but my heart says otherwise

All these people around, yet loneliness wins

Will it ever stop? Will I ever be happy?

“I’m gonna be fine”, a lie I tell myself

I’m gonna be fine, just fine.

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What do you do when you get hit by sudden waves of emotion? Too weak to do anything, you just cry. With no one to hold you, to tell you that everything is going to be alright. Even if it was a dream, a nightmare to me, it seemed so real. I know I wouldn’t be ready, never will, when the day comes.

I miss my mom and dad so bad, please let me go home. 

Life lessons (not really)

I tried avoiding it. One of my biggest mistakes. I wish I could turn back time and grow a pair. In the end I faced it. It hurts, but I did what I had to do. You can’t run from your feelings. It will only make it worse. Sometimes in life, you gotta take a leap of faith. No regrets.

Hence,

life lessons #1: Don’t be a fucking coward. Speak your mind. Acknowledge your feelings. You’re a human.

It’s safe to say that I can finally move on.

What changed?

I want you to know that I cared about you, and I still do. But the thing is, I’m not so sure if you still want me around anymore. And it’s the only thing that’s been holding me back from talking to you.

You’re living your life. I’m living mine. But, what changed?