I’m sorry to those I’ve hurt. Truth is, I’m so good at shutting people out that I don’t know how to change the way that I am. And I’m truly sorry if you’re one of those unlucky ones that have to deal with me being a cold heartless bitch- because that’s what I am lately. I fucking hate myself, and what good am I if I can’t even keep those around me happy? How I fucking wish life comes with a manual because I swear to God, it’ll be easier that way.
This wall I built, it’s impenetrable. At least that was what my best friend told me. You want to know the truth? I built it because I’m scared, of everything, and everyone. I’m scared that people would leave as soon as they get to know the real me. I’m scared of being a disappointment to anyone who don’t deserve it. And it has come to my knowledge that nobody can ever put up with my bullshit. No expectations, no regrets, right? I guess I just have to keep this wall within me a little longer, because in the end you’re gonna die alone. And I’ve been alone for a long, long time. 🙂
I never thought it could be this hard. I never knew it would hurt this bad. I don’t know how to handle this pain. If there is one thing I can do to make it go away, I will. Just tell me, what should I do at this point of my life? Is getting the help that I badly needed will eventually make things better?
Sometimes I just don’t understand why I’m letting myself be this way. I know I can change the situation that I’m in, make it less hard than it already is. But that will be hypocritical of me, that I’m faking everything. I have people that I can talk to, reach out, but trust me, I’ve tried. I know I can’t fix everything that’s already broken. It will be stupid of me to even think that I can change that, because some things can never be fixed.
I wished I could just switch off these overwhelming emotions and be numb for the rest of my existence. That’ll put me out of my misery, at least.
I thought I was getting better. I guess, you really can’t have everything in this world. I’ve tried. I really did. Maybe not hard enough? I suppose I keep on trying, keep on surviving. Although it’s hard. But again, nothing is easy.
To change is to accept.
To accept is to endure.
To endure is to adapt.
Acceptance is what I seek, and it does not come easy. It could take months, years even. But, I will carry it through.
What do you do when you get hit by sudden waves of emotion? Too weak to do anything, you just cry. With no one to hold you, to tell you that everything is going to be alright. Even if it was a dream, a nightmare to me, it seemed so real. I know I wouldn’t be ready, never will, when the day comes.
I miss my mom and dad so bad, please let me go home.
I tried avoiding it. One of my biggest mistakes. I wish I could turn back time and grow a pair. In the end I faced it. It hurts, but I did what I had to do. You can’t run from your feelings. It will only make it worse. Sometimes in life, you gotta take a leap of faith. No regrets.
life lessons #1: Don’t be a fucking coward. Speak your mind. Acknowledge your feelings. You’re a human.
It’s safe to say that I can finally move on.