I just realised I made myself look fucking vulnerable on this site. And I hate it. I don’t want to sound nor look weak. But I can’t help it. When you’re powerless, there’s nothing you can do about it. It sucks so much when it hits you. I am trying so hard to not be in this hell hole but it seems like I can’t escape. Whether I choose to ignore it or not, it’s always gonna be there.
I NEED DISTRACTIONS. SEND HELP.
I really should stop comparing myself to others. It’s not helping me in any way. I don’t know why I am the way that I am. Sometimes it feels almost comforting in letting yourself down constantly because you know nothing will ever be right. You got nothing to lose. I, got nothing to lose.
I don’t trust myself enough when I’m alone. And I’m tired of this.
I’m scared of the new changes I’ll be facing.
I’m scared of what the future will give me, where it can lead me.
I’m scared that it will be too late to chase my dreams, and that
I’m scared I won’t be able to become the person whom I aspire to be.
I’m scared of these endless possibilities.
You never know what your life will turn out to be. It can be fun sometimes, but it sure as hell can be scary. And the future is what fears me the most.
Don’t you think so?
[This post is mainly me being salty]
Why can’t some people mind their own business? This is a fucking legit question and I demand an answer.
I thought I had tried my best to avoid any dramas that had been circulating in my school, say, since I got enrolled..? And I thought I did myself proud by laying low, not giving two fucks about everything and everyone, minding my own fucking business. But some people never fail to amaze me. It’s mind-blowing how sometimes, when you thought your life in school couldn’t get any worse, some people still love to talk shit when they don’t even know a single thing about you. I’m so sick with people making their own assumptions, and what frustrates me most is that they believe whatever shit they feed themselves with. Am I surrounded with imbeciles? At this point I think I am.
A close friend of mine asked me this one simple question that I thought I had the answer to it. Well, guess what? I don’t. “So then, what do you wanna do with your life?” was the question that hit me hard. How the hell should I know? I swear to god, it got me thinking and I freaked out (kinda) when I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I’m 22, I suppose I’ll have the answer when I’m at least 30.
People say to always follow your passions, do what you love doing or makes you happy. In most cases, passions don’t pay the bills. You can’t get the best of both worlds. Setting up your priorities is always the hardest to do. Do you want to be having money or do you want to be happy? Or do you want both? Honest to god, I just want to be happy. But then again, what makes me happy?
I have no fucking clue.
It’s so frustrating knowing you have zero motivation to turn your life around. It’s not that I don’t want to, trust me, there’s nothing more I want to do than making it my utmost priority. But it’s hard to pull off when you’re stuck doing things that you hate. I’m in my final year of law school and am trying really hard to get it done and over with, but it’s never easy because it’s not something I love doing and fact is, I’ve been doing this for 3 years. I don’t know where this life would lead me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy. I should be grateful, I know. But also, I wish someone would understand.
I’m not one to express my insecurities to anyone, not even to my close friends. It’s not something I particularly like to talk about. I’m more fond of the idea of keeping all of my biggest insecurities to myself rather than admitting them out loud. However, I’m gonna make an exception to the rule just for this post. Here goes nothing.
1. I hate how my brain works. Sometimes. When I’m alone. I have no control over it. I try to overcome it by keeping myself busy. Easier said than done. Still trying though.
2. My skin. My face. They say that you don’t need all those products to cover up your face because you’re beautiful just the way you are, well, that’s bullshit. When you wear too much makeup, people talk. When you don’t, they talk. They judge. It sucks, right?
3. My self-esteem is nowhere to be seen. I don’t think it can ever be fixed.
4. My temper. I fucking hate myself for this. I seriously do. If there’s one thing I’d like to change about myself is how I handle my temper. I don’t know how my family, my friends put up with me. They deserve a fucking medal for that.
I’m trying all my best to love myself. I’m still far behind. All that “SELF-LOVE IS IMPORTANT” is not easy as it looks. But hey, at least I’m trying. Really hard.